Humor from the Past

"Julius Exclusus"
Desiderius Erasmus
1513-1514

[Pope Julius II, on dying, arrives in heaven expecting a glorious welcome, but Saint Peter demands that he, like any other heaven-bound soul, justify his entrance.] 


Julius: What the devil is up? The gates not open? Someone has monkied with the key. 
Spirit: Maybe you have the wrong key. You've got the key of power. 
Julius: It's the only one I ever had. I'll bang. Hey, porter, are you asleep or drunk? 
Peter: Immortal God, what a stench! I'll peek through this crack till I know what's up. Who are you? 
Julius: Can't you see this key, the triple crown and the pallium sparkling with gems? 
Peter: It doesn't look like the key Christ gave to me. How should I know the crown which no barbarian tyrant dared to wear? As for the gems and the jewels, I trample them under my feet. 
Julius: Come on now. I am Julius, the Ligurian, and I suppose you know these two letters [pointing to his chest] "P.M." If you can read. 
Peter: Pestus Maximus. 
Julius: Pontifex Maximus. 
Peter: I don't care if you are Mercury Trismegistus, unless your life is saintly. 
Julius: Saintly! For centuries you have been only a saint and I have been most saintly, sanctissimus, with six thousand bulls to prove it. 
Peter: You are called sanctissimus, but are you sanctus? You don't look it: cassock over armor, eyes savage, mouth insolent, forehaead brazen, eyebrows arrogant, body poxed with debauchery, reeking with drink, a shambles of a man. 
Spirit: Graphic! 
Peter: I expect that you are Julian the Apostate back from Hell. 
Julius: Come on now. If you don't open now I'll strike you with the lightning of excommunication. The bull is ready. 
Peter: Bull? I never heard anything like that from Christ. What authority have you to excommunicate me? 
Julius: Why you are a mere priest, if even that. 
Peter: Show your merits. No entry without merits. Have you taught true doctrine? 
Jullus: Too busy fighting. The friars look after that. 
Peter: Have you won souls to Christ by holiness? 
Spirit: He has sent plenty to Hell! 
Peter: Have you worked miracles? 
Julius: They are out of date. 
Peter: Have you prayed and fasted? 
Spirit: This is getting nowhere. 
Peter: Well now, what is this rabble along with you? 
Julius: Soldiers who died fighting for me. I promissed them heaven if they did. 
Peter: So, these are the ones who tried to crash the gate a while ago? 
Julius: And you didn't let them in? 
Peter: I admit only those who clothe the naked, feed the hungry, give drink to the thirsty, visit the sick and those in prison. Incidentally, why do call yourself a Ligurian? Does the family of Christ make any difference? 
Julius: I want my country to have the credit of me. 
Peter: You know, I am surprised the papacy is so sought after. In my day it was hard to get even priests and deacons. 
Julius: Of course. You had only fasts, vigils and perhaps death. Today bishops are lords. 
Peter: Tell me now. Why did you attack Bologna? Was it heretical? 
Julius: No. 
Peter: Was Bentivogilio a tyrant? 
Julius: No. 
Peter: Why then? 
Julius: I needed revenue 
Peter: Why did you harass Ferrara? 
Julius: I needed it for my son! 
Peter: What? Popes with wives and sons? 
Julius: No, sons, not wives. 
Peter: Is it possible to get rid of a pope say for murder, patricide, fornication, incest, simony, sacrilege or blasphemy? 
Julius: Add six hundred more and the answer is still no. He can only be deposed for heresy and he determines what is heresy! 
(the curtain falls)